Thursday, December 25, 2008


To all our family and friends throughout the world, the Lovely One and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. We love you. May the glorious message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ burn in your hearts now and forever. And may each of you receive through God's grace that which would be best for you. Be well.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Saint Holiday, positioned at the top of the spiritual services industry, announced a steep billing rate cut today in a move sure to send a profound signal to the market. Effective immediately, the firm has slashed its hourly billing rate from $575.00 to $29.95 . The landmark announcement was lauded as a good strategy for these bad economic times. According to the founder of Show Low's spiritual services boutique, the decision was not made in response to client demand, inasmuch as he has no clients, but rather as a public acknowledgement that times are financially difficult for everyone. Having no clients, Saint Holiday has been able to keep its receivables at zero without the application of any accounting tricks, a situation to be envied for sure. Though costs of doing business have risen dramatically over the past year, the firm will tighten its belt and make whatever changes are necessary to help itself and its future clients weather the present economic crisis. Saint Holiday also announced that there will be no lay-offs in the coming year. This brought a sigh of relief from the one employee of the firm, St. Holiday himself.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Amanda Noelle is our fourth child, born on this day in 1977, during my second semester in law school. My last exam for the semester was in Constitutional Law, taught by Dean Rex Lee, and it was given on December 12th. I had been anxious that the baby would be born before I finished my difficult exams, but Big Eyes was kind to accommodate me. Her angel mother would have preferred an earlier birth. We had gone to Stake Conference in the venerable Provo Tabernacle on November 28th, where Elder J. Thomas Fyans of the First Quorum of the Seventy spoke, and poor Candy was very, very uncomfortable. She had taken off her shoes and later found it to be impossible to put them back on, because her feet had swollen. Before we left, she started shaking. We were relieved to get her back home. The last two months of that pregnancy were very uncomfortable for her. I wrote in my journal: "What a happy day it will be when this baby arrives! It will be like Resurrection Day to Candy!" On the day after my exams were finished, I wrote: "Candy has not yet had the baby, and she is afraid that it will never come and that she'll be pregnant forever." She was having painful contractions, but they were irregular and never any closer than 8 minutes apart. She was in tears several times because of the indefiniteness of those contractions. Finally, it happened. On December 14th at 3:10 PM, Big Eyes was born at Utah Valley Hospital in Provo, Utah. I witnessed the entire miracle with my own eyes. I will never forget how the mother and baby looked into each others' eyes when the nurse brought the baby to her for the first time after the birth. Mandy's large eyes were wide open. There was a holy communication between the two that was remarkable and beautiful to behold. It was recognition from an earlier time and place. I gave her the nickname Big Eyes at that moment. Happy Birthday, Big Eyes! I send you my blessings and thank you for coming into our family. May our Heavenly Father always watch over you and grant you the worthy desires of your heart. The old dad loves you and will love you forever, no matter what. Here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


Ending weeks of speculation, Saint Holiday held a press conference today to announce his candidacy for the 2012 presidential race. Sporting a snazzy Elvis wig to cover his baldness and to hide the gruesome scar, evidencing his recent, radical brain surgery, the holy man assumed a senior level position atop his famous Chicken Catchatorium, the coop de grace, to make his stunning announcement. "I'd first like to thank me muddah and me faddah, " he began, reading from prepared remarks written on a Southwest Airlines vomit bag. At the sound of his voice, the crowd of media representatives wept openly. Sitting in full lotus, like the incarnation of Vishnu himself, the master explained that he has no plans to slow down, despite feeling "like a cookie crushed to crumbs." His words were like an electric kundalini to every soul present. "Now that I have only half a brain, I feel qualified to serve in public office. Obama has offered only change to the American public. I offer them cash, cash they can count on!"

The saintly one glowed, as he did in his pre-digital days. He described the fundamental elements of his platform, the first of which was employed effectively during the Mosaic administration, forgiveness of all debt! He read from the fifteenth chapter of Deuteronomy: "At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release. And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the Lord's release." Saint Holiday promised that he would cancel all personal and institutional debt for every American during his first week in office, employing the divinely-inspired program defined in the Bible. "Every debt, whether in the character of a mortgage, promissory note, credit card debt or any other, shall be declared null and void. No one will owe anyone anything!"

Faster than three Mississippi's, the holy man presented the second plank of his platform: "A check in every pot!" He explained, "During the first 100 days of my presidency, I will direct the US Treasury to issue a check for one million dollars to every household in America earning less than $200,000.00 per year. This money will be backed by the value of all land owned by the federal government. There will be no poverty in this nation during my administration!"

It was impossible to control the enthusiasm of the crowd, gathered around the saintly candidate, after they heard him give his historic speech. Now that his supply of cerebral cells is down to manageable size, he appears more fit than ever to take the helm of this great nation. For a moment, Saint Holiday almost slipped and engaged in critical thought, but he caught himself in the knock of time and excused himself to return to the sanctuary of his Show Low residence to huddle with his political advisers. In a few weeks, he intends to begin his national campaign from the comfort of his personal blimp, hovering over crowds to deliver his exciting speeches and to fight against egregious collocations of vocables, wherever these are spewed.

In a related matter, Saint Holiday's spokesperson confirmed that the holy one did indeed have a mezuzah implanted in the forefront of his skull during his recent surgery. He would be pleased if his followers would kiss or touch him gently upon the forehead as opportunities for such sacred intimacy present themselves.