Monday, September 8, 2008


In the Name of Allah, the compassionate, the merciful, praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universe, and peace and prayers be upon His Final Prophet and Messenger, and also upon His Servant, Saint Holiday, the humble and oppressed, whom I, Abu Farou bin Sabib, the servant of the servant, am most pleased to assist on this blog. Allah, Allah, oxen free! We are happy to report that St. Holiday's grandchildren will not have to call him Amps instead of Gramps. Watt? Watt, you ask? On Sunday, an Arizona judge ruled that St. Holiday, the notorious mass chocolate eater of Show Low, is too mentally unstable to be subjected to therapeutic electrocution. The judge issued the ruling only hours before St. Holiday was scheduled to be strapped down and plugged in, ignoring the advice of experts from the Institute of the Clinically Addicted. He found that the holy man, who has been on a chocolate-eating rampage for decades, may possibly be too psychotic to comprehend the nature of the proposed therapy and to give an unqualified consent. The judge suggested other more benign forms of behavior modification like acupuncture, country music or flagellation. St. Holiday's loving wife objected strenuously and vociferously in the courtroom, demanding that her husband "receive the electrification he deserves," as she put it, and she had to be tasered and dragged away by the bailiff's deputies. As she left the courtroom in handcuffs, she vowed to file a Motion for Reconsideration. St. Holiday is touched by her love and concern for his well-being, and by her sweet, conditional forgiveness.

A senior judicial official, who spoke on condition of non-anonymity ("Hey, man, you have to promise to put my name in your blog before I'll tell you anything."), gave details of the scene inside the closed courtroom. For the record, the official's name is Albert Salazar. (O.K. Albert, are you satisfied?) Infidel! Anyway, during the proceedings, St. Holiday sang an old Glen Campbell song, something about being a lineman for the county, and repeated the phrase, "searching in the sun for another overload" in a stentorian voice, over and over, disregarding every warning from the judge. All the while, the holy man was occupied in a vain attempt to peel a little oval sticker off a plum. When St. Holiday began to yodel the word "overload," the judge ordered the bailiff to gag him. The picture emerging from these events is of a man riven by internal conflicts. May Allah save him!

The judge made it clear that his decision could be reversed if St. Holiday shows any signs of sanity in the future. Hearing this, a gentleman sitting next to the subject of the proceeding, later identified as John Orio, laughed out loud and said, "That will never happen!"