Sunday, July 20, 2008

Stunning Announcement From St. Holiday

Saint Holiday, Resident of the United States (ROTUS), announced today that he will not be competing in the upcoming Beijing Olympics, citing personal family concerns and a widespread lack of interest. Stung by recent surveys, which have shown that billions of people worldwide ignore him daily, this towering figure of the current century has decided to avoid the risk of increased action and to spend his few remaining years ceasing and desisting. Wearing Class A Personal Protective Equipment and living in his normal structure-resistant surroundings, he has been seen examining the archipelago of truth on a global scale, while processing information at a pace that would frighten any other ruminant. Though he is ripe with potential and believes he can still go a full nine innings, he has made it known that even if the Philadelphia Phillies extend him an offer to join their starting rotation, he would likely turn it down. However, as they commonly say at the White House, all options are on the table. As a member of the vast minority, ROTUS expects that his announcement will feed the fires of public curiosity. "I will not be an amber bug," he said. "I seek transcendence through retirement." To the surprise of many, St. Holiday has abandoned his former relentless work ethic to concentrate on grand plans and great ideas, dodging marketeers in the process. He intends to become as unpredictable as any other successful serial failure, looking to the moment when he can finally control his own gastronomical destiny. There has been no comment thus far from Chinese Olympic authorities, nor is one anticipated.