Saturday, November 1, 2008


The first meeting of the White Mountain Sacred Cow Society, held in the Show Low Library on Friday, was a surprising success. There has been a remarkable flowering of consciousness in these parts, leading to a shift toward true bovine tolerance in a broader "reverence for life" movement, which has taken hold of the people here like a fever. The venerable St. Holiday welcomed a standing-room-only crowd (someone forgot to set up the chairs) of dignitaries and residents from Show Low, Pinetop-Lakeside, Linden, the White Mountain Apache tribe and other surrounding communities. After a good-natured roasting of the inspired founder of the newly-organized society by prominent members of the ranching community, time was given to a special guest, His Divine Grace B. S. Bhaktishiva Swami Bhagadung, to explain the rudiments of true ruminant enlightenment. After his stirring presentation, many made their way to the front of the room to kneel and renounce their former carnivorous ways, swearing ever after to abstain from the eating of red meat, together with green or bluish meat. Wal-Mart and Safeway are said to be gearing up for a surge in sales of soy-based products. The question of whether to admit bulls to the sacred order was tabled indefinitely. There was widespread resistance to the notion of allowing calves to participate, based upon a literal reading of the Biblical book of Exodus. A women's auxiliary was appointed and charged with fashioning colorful head-dresses for our sacred cows as a fundraising activity. It is anticipated that these floral crowns will be available for purchase in a variety of sizes and styles at the Show Low City Hall in about a month. Representatives of the governing bodies of major White Mountain cities and towns expressed their willingness to introduce municipal ordinances permitting sacred cows to freely roam throughout the communities. This prospect of bovine emancipation was met with such wild cheering and applause that several shushing librarians rushed to the scene of the celebration. St. Holiday was the closing speaker for the evening, and many were moved by the crackling precision of his participles. The next general meeting of the White Mountain Sacred Cow Society was scheduled for 7 PM, November 18th in the City Council Room of the Show Low Library. Another large crowd is expected to attend, so we would urge the public to come early for the best seating.

In a completely unrelated development, closely connected to the afore-mentioned proceedings, we have learned that attorneys for St. Holiday and his wife are finalizing an agreement of reconciliation. This week, the holy man's embarrassed wife fled to Albuquerque to avoid her commitment at the White Mountain Institute for the Clinically Addicted. The discovery of her chocolate addiction was widely reported last week through the organs of our national media. Informed sources are saying that agents for the two are applying last touches to an accord, which will permit each of them to consume liberal amounts of chocolate without criticism from the other. It is now expected that the Lovely One will join her husband tomorrow at the International Lego League Championship.