Saturday, December 6, 2008

CASH YOU CAN COUNT ON!

Ending weeks of speculation, Saint Holiday held a press conference today to announce his candidacy for the 2012 presidential race. Sporting a snazzy Elvis wig to cover his baldness and to hide the gruesome scar, evidencing his recent, radical brain surgery, the holy man assumed a senior level position atop his famous Chicken Catchatorium, the coop de grace, to make his stunning announcement. "I'd first like to thank me muddah and me faddah, " he began, reading from prepared remarks written on a Southwest Airlines vomit bag. At the sound of his voice, the crowd of media representatives wept openly. Sitting in full lotus, like the incarnation of Vishnu himself, the master explained that he has no plans to slow down, despite feeling "like a cookie crushed to crumbs." His words were like an electric kundalini to every soul present. "Now that I have only half a brain, I feel qualified to serve in public office. Obama has offered only change to the American public. I offer them cash, cash they can count on!"

The saintly one glowed, as he did in his pre-digital days. He described the fundamental elements of his platform, the first of which was employed effectively during the Mosaic administration, forgiveness of all debt! He read from the fifteenth chapter of Deuteronomy: "At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release. And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the Lord's release." Saint Holiday promised that he would cancel all personal and institutional debt for every American during his first week in office, employing the divinely-inspired program defined in the Bible. "Every debt, whether in the character of a mortgage, promissory note, credit card debt or any other, shall be declared null and void. No one will owe anyone anything!"

Faster than three Mississippi's, the holy man presented the second plank of his platform: "A check in every pot!" He explained, "During the first 100 days of my presidency, I will direct the US Treasury to issue a check for one million dollars to every household in America earning less than $200,000.00 per year. This money will be backed by the value of all land owned by the federal government. There will be no poverty in this nation during my administration!"

It was impossible to control the enthusiasm of the crowd, gathered around the saintly candidate, after they heard him give his historic speech. Now that his supply of cerebral cells is down to manageable size, he appears more fit than ever to take the helm of this great nation. For a moment, Saint Holiday almost slipped and engaged in critical thought, but he caught himself in the knock of time and excused himself to return to the sanctuary of his Show Low residence to huddle with his political advisers. In a few weeks, he intends to begin his national campaign from the comfort of his personal blimp, hovering over crowds to deliver his exciting speeches and to fight against egregious collocations of vocables, wherever these are spewed.

In a related matter, Saint Holiday's spokesperson confirmed that the holy one did indeed have a mezuzah implanted in the forefront of his skull during his recent surgery. He would be pleased if his followers would kiss or touch him gently upon the forehead as opportunities for such sacred intimacy present themselves.

2 comments:

Mary said...

I like his holiness's bail-out plan. I'd vote for him!

Jenna Consolo said...

You've got my vote, Dad! You're just the kind of change we need!