Saturday, March 28, 2009

GERE REJECTS SETTLEMENT OFFER

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT:
Address: Monasterio de Santo Holiday
White Mountains
Show Low, AZ 85901
Telephone: disconnected
Email: saintholiday@yahoo.com

Show Low, AZ - March 28, 2009
In a shocking turn of events today, attorneys for Richard Gere signaled that their illustrious client refused to accept St. Holiday's offer of settlement in a controversy that has garnered buzz around the world. Gere is demanding that Show Low's most famous holy humorist undergo full facial reconstruction to obliterate any resemblance he might have with the aging actor. In the alternative, the former Hollywood star would be satisfied if the A-list saint would agree to wear a mask in all public places and for all publicity photos. According to informed sources, St. Holiday immediately countered with the suggestion that the actor have his name boldly tattooed on his forehead to obviate the possibility of mistaken identity. Gere's attorneys swiftly dismissed that idea on the grounds that it would not be effective in the dark.

Upon hearing their response to his counter-offer, Myther Holiday challenged the actor to a cage fight at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. The reclusive comedy genius interrupted his plans to audition for "The Biggest Loser" to huddle with the notorious fight promoter Don King and work out a deal.

All of this comes amid rumors that Gere was not born with his present distinguishing features but that he underwent facial-enhancement surgery in the 80's. If this is true, it can be expected that St. Holiday's attorneys will press a legal argument that the holy man has a predecessory proprietary interest in his good looks. According to the latest issue of People Magazine, the saint has never had his countenance "refreshed," to use a euphemism made popular by Nancy Pelosi's cosmetic surgeon.

The White House is expected to weigh in on the matter before nightfall. However, the President is not expected to be supportive of St. Holiday's position because of his recent public refusal to accept federal stimulus dollars. The holy one announced that he is holding out for sedative funding instead.

Why did Gere reject St. Holiday's compromise offer to shave his head? Strangely enough, Gere has been planning to shave his own head and join a Tibetan monastery within the next month. Sources inform us that he has already been fitted for his saffron robe.

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If you would like more information about this matter, or to schedule an interview with St. Holiday, please contact his publicist by emailing saintholiday@yahoo.com.

4 comments:

Mary said...

One can hardly blame Gere for his stance. Not only are he and St. Holiday like identical twins, but St. Holiday is the more handsome identical twin! The man is lucky he had so many successful years bfore St. Holiday hit the public eye!

Saint Holiday said...

Tributes continue to pour in.

Jenna Consolo said...

I agree with what Mary said. Plus, you're a whole lot nicer, I'm sure. And smarter.

Saint Holiday said...

I'm not very smart. If I had any smarts, I wouldn't always be in such trouble, most of which is of my own making. I am nice, though. And who could argue about the good looks? But I'd rather be smart. Thanks, Jenna. I just upped your percentage of my estate.