GERE REJECTS SETTLEMENT OFFER

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT:
Address: Monasterio de Santo Holiday
White Mountains
Show Low, AZ 85901
Telephone: disconnected
Email: saintholiday@yahoo.com

Show Low, AZ - March 28, 2009
In a shocking turn of events today, attorneys for Richard Gere signaled that their illustrious client refused to accept St. Holiday's offer of settlement in a controversy that has garnered buzz around the world. Gere is demanding that Show Low's most famous holy humorist undergo full facial reconstruction to obliterate any resemblance he might have with the aging actor. In the alternative, the former Hollywood star would be satisfied if the A-list saint would agree to wear a mask in all public places and for all publicity photos. According to informed sources, St. Holiday immediately countered with the suggestion that the actor have his name boldly tattooed on his forehead to obviate the possibility of mistaken identity. Gere's attorneys swiftly dismissed that idea on the grounds that it would not be effective in the dark.

Upon hearing their response to his counter-offer, Myther Holiday challenged the actor to a cage fight at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. The reclusive comedy genius interrupted his plans to audition for "The Biggest Loser" to huddle with the notorious fight promoter Don King and work out a deal.

All of this comes amid rumors that Gere was not born with his present distinguishing features but that he underwent facial-enhancement surgery in the 80's. If this is true, it can be expected that St. Holiday's attorneys will press a legal argument that the holy man has a predecessory proprietary interest in his good looks. According to the latest issue of People Magazine, the saint has never had his countenance "refreshed," to use a euphemism made popular by Nancy Pelosi's cosmetic surgeon.

The White House is expected to weigh in on the matter before nightfall. However, the President is not expected to be supportive of St. Holiday's position because of his recent public refusal to accept federal stimulus dollars. The holy one announced that he is holding out for sedative funding instead.

Why did Gere reject St. Holiday's compromise offer to shave his head? Strangely enough, Gere has been planning to shave his own head and join a Tibetan monastery within the next month. Sources inform us that he has already been fitted for his saffron robe.

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If you would like more information about this matter, or to schedule an interview with St. Holiday, please contact his publicist by emailing saintholiday@yahoo.com.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JONAH!

Today is my son Jonah's 23rd birthday. I wish him every happiness and the best of success in all of his worthy endeavors. He lives near Denver, Colorado, and I rarely see him anymore, which is very painful for me. I love him dearly. I thought I would post an extract from my journal, written on the day of his glorious birth. Take care, son.

5 March 1986, Wednesday

Today will long be remembered by Candy and me, as it was the birthday of Jonah Zachary, born at 1:40 P.M. at Rancocas Valley Hospital in Willingboro, NJ. We had lost a great deal of sleep last night, because Candy was having contractions. What a relief it was when the sun finally arose and the realization came that this was the day, that we wouldn’t have to wait until tomorrow again. Dr. Horn had promised that he would induce her labor on March 5th, if she hadn’t had the baby by then. When he had made that promise, he didn’t really believe that she would last that long. I can’t describe the excitement in our home this morning. The other children were really looking forward to this new baby. Some wanted a boy and some a girl, but all promised to love whatever it turned out to be. We prayed as a family around my bed and asked Heavenly Father to bless Candy and give her strength for the delivery. And we prayed that the baby would be well. Candy and I left the house a little early. We had an appointment at the hospital for 11 A.M., but our excitement made it impossible to sit at home. We drove to my mother’s store in Edgewater Park and waited there instead, talking to my Aunt Marge, Lynn and Mom. We laughed and joked until it was time to leave. My mother packed us some chicken-salad sandwiches and sweet rolls for our day at the hospital. We were nervous; my stomach was churning; Candy made no secret of her nervousness. The thought of what she faced made it easy for her to cry.

We got to the hospital just a few minutes before the hour of 11 A.M. and were quickly escorted to a birthing room. Candy was robed, put into bed, hooked up to the fetal monitor and given an I.V. Dr. Messick came and got things rolling by breaking Candy’s water in a very cruel manner. Fortunately, Dr. Michael Horn came on shift soon after, and Dr. Messick bowed out. Dr. Horn is marvelously sensitive and competent. He was Candy’s Doctor for Noah, and we had such a great experience with him that we wouldn’t think of going to anyone else. I settled down to read our first issue of This People magazine, expecting that I would finish it and have plenty of time to do some other things before the baby came. Surprise! Halfway through the magazine, Candy began to feel the pain quite intensely and to demand anesthesia. She commanded me to find Dr. Horn immediately so that he could increase the dosage. He came, and did, and also announced that the baby was nigh at hand. So we dressed in our gowns and put on our surgical gloves. Since he had agreed to permit me to deliver this baby, as I had Noah, he began to explain the procedure and what I could expect. It soon became clear that we wouldn’t have to wait very long. Candy screamed and pushed, not in stages like they do it in the movies, but in one long continual primal display of strength and agony. Jonah came directly into my waiting hands and I caught him as if I were crouching behind the plate in the final game of the World Series. He’s a boy! I was fairly exhilarated with supreme joy as I clamped and cut the cord and showed him to his weary mother. What a blessing! He is perfectly formed in every detail, without a flaw. I didn’t spank the little guy, but you should have heard him scream! What a beautiful sound! Dr. Horn taught me about the structure of the umbilical cord while we awaited the expulsion of the placenta. Then we examined the placenta. I was just fascinated by the whole process. Miraculous! I held my baby to my face and kissed him. Heavenly Father had answered our every prayer and had blessed Candy as had been promised in the Priesthood blessings.

Jonah is 7 pounds 14 ounces and 21 inches long. I love this son with my whole heart and the mother who suffered to bring him to me! May they both be showered upon with heaven's best blessings. I am so happy that I could fly!

By coincidence, Jonah’s birth resulted in the postponement of my pro-life trial, which was scheduled to commence at noon today in Cherry Hill. I am representing thirteen defendants charged with trespassing at the abortion mill called the Cherry Hill Women’s Center. My clients are thrilled about the reprieve and couldn’t help but recognize the irony of the situation. They have worked so hard to save babies and now a baby saves them!