Wednesday, October 22, 2008

HYPOCRISY EXPOSED!


Disturbing news has been leaked from the Monasterio de Santo Holiday today, which throws new light upon the true character of the one commonly known as the Venus de Show Low. Humor has it that Yo Yo Pa, as he is affectionately called by the adoring acolytes who manage his exclusive compound on the city's fashionable 8th Avenue, took a fat fatwa to the heart in the midst of his own sanctuary early this morning. While searching for his personal Blarney Stone, a gift from Hym Selph, the exiled King of the Emerald Isles, he opened a drawer of the Lovely One's desk and discovered a massive, secret cache of assorted chocolates. For nearly eight years, the Right Rev has been happily-married to the provocative mall-mouse and henherdess, who is sometimes justifiably compared to Raquel Welch in her hayday, and yet he never once suspected that she has been living a parallel life of her own, consumed in her own addiction to chocolate. This has been the most shocking thing he has experienced since the pecking of Tippi Hedren. In response, St. Holiday has cancelled tonight's meeting of the White Mountain Sacred Cow Coalition and has suspended tomorrow's expedition in search of Occam's toothbrush. There is fear that he may lapse in preparation for a relapse and revert to a cowboylike silence.

This revelation of his wife's duplicity could not have come at a worse time. Paying the wages, principle, interest, tithing and taxes of old age, tectonic pressures of daily life have placed St. Holiday a mere heartbeat away from the low swing of the sweet chariot. In his mind, he has always been the shirtless, dirty coalman, shoveling coal endlessly into the locomotive's unsatiated steam furnace, vainly hoping for the station at the end of the eternal tracks. Recent events have thrust the holy man from the comforts of domesticity and from the maternal care he has always craved. He has worked at the limits of his strength, quelling national rebellions, and struggling against enormous odds to express his deep-seated opposition to resistance in all its contrary forms. However, he has learned through it all that patrician cheekbones can only get one so far. In his world of ruptures, the Lovely One always supplied the trusses. Nevertheless, it is expected that he will haul her hallelujah corpus down to the White Mountain Institute for the Clinically Addicted and enroll her in the same program that recently upholstered him for recovery.

Our sung hero is intensely public and notoriously reluctant to discuss his personal life anyplace but on television, radio, the internet, in all forms of print media, face to face or by telephone. However, in view of today's distressing revelation, he has decided to quit all public speaking in order to spend more time with his family. He will recommence communication tomorrow.

3 comments:

Raelene said...

In my own defense, this was on sale and it will last me at least 3 months, probably longer. Thanks a lot.

Josiah said...

Dad - is there a legal pad somewhere filled with these puns? "Venus de Show Low" was especially good.

Jenna Consolo said...

Raelene, you're ruining it for the rest of us. For heaven's sake, find a better hiding spot!