Saturday, September 6, 2008

UPDATE ON THE SAINTLY ONE

NOTE: Due to his sequestration, Saint Holiday has turned over the day to day operations of his blog to his good friend and spiritual advisor, Abu Farou bin Sabib, also known as Abdul Ali Hakeem al Tamim. Abu is a novice commercial airline pilot. END OF NOTE

A major news network reported on condition of anonymity today that it had succeeded in penetrating the heavy security of the White Mountain Institute for the Clinically Addicted (ICA) to secure an exclusive interview with the Inaction Hero, known in some circles as Super Van, strange visitor from the Planet Krapton. His recently-disclosed overuse of performance-enhancing chocolate has drawn the interest of federal investigators, and a grand jury has been convened in Phoenix. His story has completely stolen the media spotlight from the presidential campaign and the mess production of our Bottoms of State. To the surprise of many, St. Holiday has managed to win a marginal fan base, even among some of his own children, who view the national mockingstock as one who has always stood for reform, having tried to reform himself for the past 40 years. OK, maybe 4 years. 4 hours? Once under a media microscope, he is now under a media telescope, because "he is so far out there." One of his own daughters was overheard to say over the phone, "Dad, I have one word for you - get help!" Latest observations appear to back up earlier findings.

The clandestine reporter was able to interview St. Holiday only briefly, speaking with him through a screen in what appeared to be a confessional booth. There he sat, wedged into the strait and narrow on genuine Naugahyde, shut off from all avian interaction, accepting submission to mounting pressures, mumbling a sort of quasi-scripture, such as, "I will lift up mine eyes unto the bills, from whence cometh my stress." The intrepid reporter remarked that St. Holiday appeared "highly sedated and sedately high," though we are informed by other sources that his placebo has not yet begun to kick in, providing the 24-hour relief he needs. The one, who considers Rollos to be miracle pills, is struggling to stay sober and is off to a good stop, as usual, but at least his tantrums are now temperate. He is expected to begin daily rounds of electro-shock therapy on Sunday.

From what could be derived from the short interview, St. Holiday believes that he should be treated as an individual, as opposed to a group or something else in the plural. He said he is planning to retract certain statements he has made over the past 38 years, which may clear up everything. He begged the reporter to help him "return to the shire." There was a certain incoherency in his speech. Long known for his whining tradition, St. Holiday complained that he is a victim of racial profiling and of a hate crime. He said,"They revile against me and vilify me, simply because of the way I talk and act and write and sing." Moreover, he said, "They can't pin that bank heist on me. I'll get off. All they have is circumstantial evidence."

St. Holiday's long-suffering wife has vowed to stand by him, despite the humiliating revelations of his chocolate addiction. "He was swept away by a power that is greater than any of us," she said. "He looks so lost and overwhelmed. How could I leave him now? I'll wait a while longer." Many wonder whether St. Holiday will rally sufficiently to appear in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. He had previously announced his plans to dress as a root beer float.

3 comments:

Jenna Consolo said...

The planet Krapton! Ha! Ha! Love it!

Mary said...

Welcome back, St. Holiday! You've given me the courage to admit publicly my own chocolate addiction, which I've been fighting since the age of 4--okay, 2. Let me know how that electric shock therapy goes!

Ethan VS said...

The suffering continues!!

EVS