Saint Holiday, doing his boogie best to maintain some particle of equilibrium after the loss of yet another wife, called the Chairman of the Federal Reserve this morning and told him, "Joo got sum splainin to doo." The celebrated comic, poet and holy man has long been a controversial figure, epitomizing the tragedy of human existence and the consequences of severe cerumen impaction. The Fed, aware that the commonly-used shortened form of its name sounds eerily parasitic, decided after intense discussions with St. Holiday to change its name to The Feed, and, as a goodwill gesture to the Man of Infinite Gestures, to send him the trickledown for which he has long waited. Since St. Holiday is a vegetarian, this bailout falls under the category of Bean Barrel spending, as distinguished from the porcine variety. From the time his fortunes began to evaporate in 1951, he has been under-capitalized, poorly-regulated and likely to crash. This bailout may have come just in time to avoid a serious meltdown.
Our readers are aware of the mythic struggle St. Holiday has had with a chocolate addiction run amok, and it may be too early to tell whether his stay at the White Mountain Institute for the Clinically Addicted was effective or not. When asked whether he has thrown off the chains of chocolate addiction at last, he replied, "I'm just taking it one bite, um, I mean, one step at a time. I'm relying upon a higher power." This correspondent could not tell whether St. Holiday was referring to a Divine Power or to The Feed, from which he may soon receive a large bailout payment. Trouble has henned him long before the Great Westward Migration of his family, but many have viewed him as the author of his own problems. Weakly supervised for too long, St. Holiday has been failing and on the verge of collapse. It has become obvious to a few that the government had no alternative but to act.
Both presidential candidates offered unqualified support for the proposal, declaring their fondness for George & Georgie. In a joint statement, issued from the Capitol Rotunda, the contenders for our nation's highest office said, "The option of doing nothing, which would be our normal course of business, is simply not an option in the case of St. Holiday, whose contributions to our national identity, security and prosperity can not be understated. We will stand with him. We congratulate The Feed on its bold wisdom and decisive action to rescue the Escaped Crusader with a generous handout."
It is to be hoped that this bailout will provide a jump start for St. Holiday, who is still reeling from the loss of the Lovely One. This has been his worst crisis since his Great Depression. Rumors have been swirling in the media since she was photographed Sunday in the company of a young, good-looking male by the name of Asher Guillory. The couple made no attempt to hide their affection for each other.