Sunday, August 10, 2008

ST. HOLIDAY SLASHES DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL!


In an act of patriotic sacrifice, after which his name should at least appear in the footnotes of the Annals of Nobility, Holiday quit his job. By so doing, this paragon of the genus hetero sapiens has reduced his personal fuel consumption by an astounding 80%. Of course, now he may not be able to pay for the other 20%, but that's besides the point. This correspondent can almost hear the shrieks of the sheiks when they learn of this startling development, which is sure to inspire imitators across the nation and is already earning the admiration of the Powers that Bedevil. Who would be surprised if St. Holiday is tapped to become our next Energy Czar? He has always been slightly ahead of our time, setting a pace for the rest of the nation. Experts predict an increase of unemployment throughout the country on the heels of Holiday's heroic act.

Reached at his footquarters in the newly-renovated Off Center, the saintly one said, "Now, I recognize how wrung I've been." Pressed for further comment, he said, "What do you expect from someone tortured at Gitmo? I don't know nothing. I'm innocent." He declined to elaborate.
The Lovely One was heard to say, "Holiday, you need adult supervision," to which he responded, "You mean like Superman?"

Fans of the cyber-hunk might well wonder what is in store for him. According to his publicist, St. Holiday hopes to exploit the rich mineral deposits in his own backyard. Moreover, he is currently trying to obtain funding from his mortgage company and other creditors for his next mammoth project, the complete and utter construction of a colossal Statue of Slavery to be erected at the mouth of the Delaware River on the soil of the People's Republic of New Jersey. This he intends to donate to the American people in a gesture inspired by the French. What's more, our New Wage Guru (No Wage?) seems to be infected with a sort of joie de livre, as he pours himself into his latest literary venture, an expose to be entitled "Colonoscopy of the American Government, A Deeper Look at Our Political Polyps." His representative asserts that competition among prospective publishers is sure to be hot, and a seven-figure advance can be expected.

Contacted at her infamous retreat in the suburbs of New Jersey in the middle of her bridge match, Gloria Van Sciver, mother of our hero, said, "I'm glad he's finally using his talents in a productive way. I can't take credit for his success." Her last statement raised a general chorus of cackles among participants in the tournament and onlooking family members. One was heard to say, "That's because he hasn't had any success!"

To the blind, St. Holiday is still exhibiting remarkable immunity from the visible signs of aging. This he attributes to secrets he derived from his meticulous studies of Egyptian mummification techniques, in addition to regular topical applications of fruit preservatives in his nightly "jam sessions," as he calls them. Moreover, he is eating lots of fiber to add volume and vigor to his morning routine. While others all around are dying of meat, St. Holiday is beating the medical odds, still disease-free after nearly 3,000 weeks of mortality. His example and innovative spirit are certain to have a salutary effect upon... Well, that remains to be seen.

3 comments:

Jenna Consolo said...

(shaking head and rolling eyes.)

Josiah said...

There you go. Stick it to The Man.

Anonymous said...

Harvey had a job?????