Sunday, July 6, 2008

Gratings, fellow earthlings!

They can't silence me, though they try. I am writing this from an undisclosed location, a bullet-proof location. Recently, I received the following assassination threat in my email:

"This is Puzzo Region, head of the FARC NETWORK. I wish to let you know that I have been paid by a client to assassinate you at convenience, and I have signed a contract for this yesterday. I have never met you before, but they gave me the full description of your identity and contact, which my boys have used to trace you. The reason why they want you Dead is not disclosed to me, as I was not allowed to know. My GUYS are now contantly watching you. They are following you home, to your office, everywhere you go, and they are waiting for my instruction to terminate you, and they will strike at convenience. THIS IS MY MESSAGE-LISTEN VERY WELL !!! The Police cannot do much to help you out in this right now because you are being watched. Any such attempt is very risky because you will push us to terminate your life without option. Your calls are not safe. I have no business with you but at least I have cleared the way as a pro, but you may have one chance to live again if you can contact me not later that 48 hours after this message."

Needless to say, the Lovely One was duly alarmed, and she immediately made the contents of this threat known to the Arizona Attorney General. In the fashion of most modern public servants, he has ignored the matter. Now I am forced to employ methods of self-protection taught to me by my grandfather, Don Ercoli. You may have read recent news reports about the difficulties faced by the FARC Network. Because of the sensitive nature of the ongoing operation, I can not give further details. Stay tuned for future developments.


Jenna Consolo said...

No worries, Dad, it's only a Nigerian scam. But only very cool people get this email, so that's something.

Welcome to blogland!

Hannah said...

Man! They only keep trying to give me 48 million dollars.

When will someone put a hit out on me?