UPDATE ON THE SAINTLY ONE

NOTE: Due to his sequestration, Saint Holiday has turned over the day to day operations of his blog to his good friend and spiritual advisor, Abu Farou bin Sabib, also known as Abdul Ali Hakeem al Tamim. Abu is a novice commercial airline pilot. END OF NOTE

A major news network reported on condition of anonymity today that it had succeeded in penetrating the heavy security of the White Mountain Institute for the Clinically Addicted (ICA) to secure an exclusive interview with the Inaction Hero, known in some circles as Super Van, strange visitor from the Planet Krapton. His recently-disclosed overuse of performance-enhancing chocolate has drawn the interest of federal investigators, and a grand jury has been convened in Phoenix. His story has completely stolen the media spotlight from the presidential campaign and the mess production of our Bottoms of State. To the surprise of many, St. Holiday has managed to win a marginal fan base, even among some of his own children, who view the national mockingstock as one who has always stood for reform, having tried to reform himself for the past 40 years. OK, maybe 4 years. 4 hours? Once under a media microscope, he is now under a media telescope, because "he is so far out there." One of his own daughters was overheard to say over the phone, "Dad, I have one word for you - get help!" Latest observations appear to back up earlier findings.

The clandestine reporter was able to interview St. Holiday only briefly, speaking with him through a screen in what appeared to be a confessional booth. There he sat, wedged into the strait and narrow on genuine Naugahyde, shut off from all avian interaction, accepting submission to mounting pressures, mumbling a sort of quasi-scripture, such as, "I will lift up mine eyes unto the bills, from whence cometh my stress." The intrepid reporter remarked that St. Holiday appeared "highly sedated and sedately high," though we are informed by other sources that his placebo has not yet begun to kick in, providing the 24-hour relief he needs. The one, who considers Rollos to be miracle pills, is struggling to stay sober and is off to a good stop, as usual, but at least his tantrums are now temperate. He is expected to begin daily rounds of electro-shock therapy on Sunday.

From what could be derived from the short interview, St. Holiday believes that he should be treated as an individual, as opposed to a group or something else in the plural. He said he is planning to retract certain statements he has made over the past 38 years, which may clear up everything. He begged the reporter to help him "return to the shire." There was a certain incoherency in his speech. Long known for his whining tradition, St. Holiday complained that he is a victim of racial profiling and of a hate crime. He said,"They revile against me and vilify me, simply because of the way I talk and act and write and sing." Moreover, he said, "They can't pin that bank heist on me. I'll get off. All they have is circumstantial evidence."

St. Holiday's long-suffering wife has vowed to stand by him, despite the humiliating revelations of his chocolate addiction. "He was swept away by a power that is greater than any of us," she said. "He looks so lost and overwhelmed. How could I leave him now? I'll wait a while longer." Many wonder whether St. Holiday will rally sufficiently to appear in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. He had previously announced his plans to dress as a root beer float.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EEHEE!

Here's to a man of exceptional artistic talent, who has distinguished himself through concentrated effort and the application of his God-given gifts. He is a devoted husband and father, and the Lord has blessed him in his family and in everything he has undertaken. He is being prepared for even greater things. It is scarcely believable that he is 34 years old today. I deeply appreciate the love and respect he has always expressed for me, even in the course of our most difficult trials. He is more than a son; he is a dear, dear friend to me, and I love him with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Ethan. May the Lord keep you in His care always.

Love,
Dad

NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC

Because of concerns expressed with great emotion regarding my mental health, and misunderstandings which have arisen over my poor attempts at humor, I have decided to end my writing in this medium. I will continue to post my daily comic strip, George & Georgie, but otherwise, I am retreating into the safety of silence. Until recently, I did not realize that so many harbor severe antipathy towards me. I sincerely apologize for my intrusion. I meant no harm. It occurs to me that I will always fall short of expectations and that I am utterly incapable of truly sharing my unique consciousness with others. Farewell.

ST. HOLIDAY STAYS MUM ON ACTUAL NUMBER OF PROGENY

Recent rumors that St. Holiday may have sired more than his acknowledged nine children have set off a firestorm of speculation and intrigue, not only on this continent but across the Pacific as well. Currently in an undisclosed rehabilitation facility for treatment of a serious chocolate addiction, the saintly one has refused to either confirm or deny the rumors, stating through his spokesman, "I can not discuss this sensitive subject, especially without the permission of my secret children, and especially at this trying time when I am dealing with an affliction that threatens my marriage, health, life and even my very credit rating." Pressed for further information concerning the Colonel of Truth, St. Holiday's publicity manager reminded the restless crowd of media representatives gathered outside the poet's Show Low home that on this day in 430 AD, St. Augustine of Hippo died. St. Holiday can be expected to spend this significant day of remembrance as is his holy custom, by searching for some modern Pelagian heresy to oppose in word and deed. His publicist said that St. Holiday has also been preoccupied with perfecting his signature look, though he has been having some difficulty getting his eyebrows just right, and the clamoring public may have to settle for mere profiles in the future. Furthermore, he has been wrestling with whether to use the word "insouciant" in future blog posts. A confidential source has leaked that St. Holiday is also considering offers from the Federal Witness Protection Program. He may need it if rumors concerning his so-called unacknowledged children are born out.